Okay, this is a post of the details I said I wouldn’t bore you with. Oops. It all started… aaaages ago. About two years ago, my sister introduced me to a bunch of her friends at once, and the only one that stood out was this one really geeky girl who had a boyfriend. Fast forward a year, and she was actually friends with me, but had moved on from aforementioned boyfriend and found another. I got insanely jealous. I’d had a crush on her for months, and so despite the fact that her boyfriend and I actually had some of the same and very important interests, I hated him. Naturally. Partly I felt he didn’t deserve her, partly I felt he wouldn’t treat her right, and partly I thought he’d end up hurting her. Fast forward six months, and that’s exactly what happened. He also continued to abuse her after their relationship ended. But then there was the time while we were both single and obliviously liked each other, but both too scared to do anything. I really liked her, and I’ve since learned that she really liked me, and was getting jealous of one of my best friends who I talked to a lot and am quite playful with. Anyway, the girl I liked and I were pretty flirty at least by my standards. As it got closer to Christmas, I decided that it had been long enough since her ex, and yet it was getting to the point where it could be dangerous to leave it. Also, one of our friends who was on a break with his girlfriend told me straight “if you don’t I will” which as you can imagine, motivated me to tell her how I felt about her. By this point, I spent about three weeks in college trying to get a right moment as well as the balls to do it, but it didn’t happen. Then, when we all went round hers for a kind of Christmas/end of term gathering, I wrote it in her card, so she would know without anyone else having to see, and also giving her time to reflect. She told me she really liked me too but needed time to think. I was pretty suspicious, but it has been confirmed by other people that she did actually like me and wasn’t trying to be nice. Anyway, just over a week later she basically said that she didn’t feel ready for a relationship. I was pretty okay with that. But then when we got back to college it was really awkward. I was okay with being friends, but after being so close to more, I wasn’t exactly satisfied. I wasn’t the best person to be around, and she felt awkward already. Then she felt guilty, then I did. Then finally I resolved to use every memory of it as a positive one rather than negative, and it got better. I still love her, and if there was something I knew I could do to be with her, I’d do it without thinking. I don’t know how she feels about me. But the one thing that annoyed me was that when she said she was jealous, I started decreasing the contact with my best friend, hoping that if nothing else, she’d feel a little more secure. When I pointed out that I was jealous of our friend who had a crush on her, as well as a girlfriend, it seemed like all that came of it was a closer friendship between them and basically me being replaced by him. All the stuff she used to joke about with me is no him. They’re constantly touching each other up despite the fact that he has a girlfriend(at a different college). But there is one thing that scared me. I had a recurring nightmare for nearly a month. It wasn’t the exact same but the general gist was;
She was getting married to some random faceless stranger. I was invited to the wedding. I felt like if I didn’t go I’d be a bad friend and be letting her down, but if I did then it’d destroy me. There were various versions of this dream, in which I generally either went mad, started to avoid everyone I care about, or committed suicide. I’d like to say that I don’t plan on ever doing any of that, but it made me think, when I fall in love, I do it to the extreme. I still love my ex, that’s why I hate her so much; she caused me pain and she was only able to do that because I loved her. Same now. I love this girl, and I know I will for years to come. What scares me is that I won’t learn how to get rid of, control, or defeat it. What really scares me is that I’ll never be with her, or learn how to be okay with that. I’m scared that for the rest of my life, I’m going to cling to the hope that she loves me too, while knowing that it’s practically impossible. By this point, if someone gave me a wish, I’d try and make a two-edged sword wish. I got asked what I want most the other day. I said something along the lines of “Depends. If I can’t have what I want most, then I want to stop wanting it” If that makes sense. I love her, and if I could be with her I would without a doubt. But if I can’t be with her, then I want to stop loving her. Because how am I going to feel when she inevitable has a relationship with someone else? How am I going to cope with that if I haven’t moved on or learned to be okay with it? It’s weird to think I love her more than I loved my ex. I haven’t so much as held her in a romantic way, and yet I love her more than I can remember loving my ex who I was actually in a relationship with.