A Year Later

So… it’s been a whole year since I last posted… What’s going on? Ugh…

Well, the friend I confessed to is now with the other guy, they’ve been together nearly a year now. Me on the other hand, well, I’m now studying English Literature with Classical Studies at university and I finally got over/okay with the whole loving my best friend thing. But only because I ended up getting back into contact with my ex. That was an interesting experience. I won’t go into every detail, but what it came down to was this: She wanted either to get back together straight away and pick up where we left off, or she never wanted to see me again. Talk about an ultimatum… But yeah, she’s out of my life now. Strangely, I feel better about it, though I felt kinda guilty at first…

And now for the main event;

So, while at uni I met a girl… we went out for just over five months, it ended on Monday. Why? Well, from what she told me, she just doesn’t feel the same anymore. You know what, that’s fair. She did it nicely and you can’t help not loving someone as much as you can’t help loving them… But to everyone else, including my best mate who she met four times when he visited me at uni, it was everything. Every little thing over five months which she never told me, despite agreeing to do, just built up and then she did the stupidest thing she could have ever done. She gave up. For about a week she tried to fight off all of the self-inflicted problems. Then on Monday, I get a call and four words: “I think I’m done”. So to me, it was as simple as “Yeah I just don’t feel the same” and yet to everyone else, most painfully of all, my best friend, she goes into an in depth explanation as to why she left me. All of which would have been avoided had she at any point actually discussed these issues with me.

Why was her giving up the stupidest thing for her to do? Because I love her. I loved her and I still do, I always will. I would have done anything to make that relationship work and she knew that. She promised we’d wait until after the easter holidays and after exams, then try and fix things. If it didn’t work then, at least we can say we gave it our all. But no. She just decided that she couldn’t be bothered with any of that and to not even try to get her feelings back. I don’t even know what else to say. I’m numb right now. I can’t feel happiness, sadness, anger, anything. All I’ve been able to feel since Monday is the blade piercing my skin. Right now that’s all that lets me know I’m still alive