A Year Later

So… it’s been a whole year since I last posted… What’s going on? Ugh…

Well, the friend I confessed to is now with the other guy, they’ve been together nearly a year now. Me on the other hand, well, I’m now studying English Literature with Classical Studies at university and I finally got over/okay with the whole loving my best friend thing. But only because I ended up getting back into contact with my ex. That was an interesting experience. I won’t go into every detail, but what it came down to was this: She wanted either to get back together straight away and pick up where we left off, or she never wanted to see me again. Talk about an ultimatum… But yeah, she’s out of my life now. Strangely, I feel better about it, though I felt kinda guilty at first…

And now for the main event;

So, while at uni I met a girl… we went out for just over five months, it ended on Monday. Why? Well, from what she told me, she just doesn’t feel the same anymore. You know what, that’s fair. She did it nicely and you can’t help not loving someone as much as you can’t help loving them… But to everyone else, including my best mate who she met four times when he visited me at uni, it was everything. Every little thing over five months which she never told me, despite agreeing to do, just built up and then she did the stupidest thing she could have ever done. She gave up. For about a week she tried to fight off all of the self-inflicted problems. Then on Monday, I get a call and four words: “I think I’m done”. So to me, it was as simple as “Yeah I just don’t feel the same” and yet to everyone else, most painfully of all, my best friend, she goes into an in depth explanation as to why she left me. All of which would have been avoided had she at any point actually discussed these issues with me.

Why was her giving up the stupidest thing for her to do? Because I love her. I loved her and I still do, I always will. I would have done anything to make that relationship work and she knew that. She promised we’d wait until after the easter holidays and after exams, then try and fix things. If it didn’t work then, at least we can say we gave it our all. But no. She just decided that she couldn’t be bothered with any of that and to not even try to get her feelings back. I don’t even know what else to say. I’m numb right now. I can’t feel happiness, sadness, anger, anything. All I’ve been able to feel since Monday is the blade piercing my skin. Right now that’s all that lets me know I’m still alive



In life, there are plenty of people I find completely intolerable, but above all else I’m talking about liars. Now, I’m not saying that I’ve never told a lie, because I’d be lying. But once I hit about sixteen, I resolved to always be honest or be silent. The kinds of people that annoy me are people who supposedly lie to protect someone else or to prevent hurting them. I’m going to give two examples from my life;

My ex girlfriend had a best friend who always seemed really close to her, and always dropped hints to me that I should be jealous of her. When I asked my then girlfriend about it, she told me that the two had kissed once but it was before we went out and it hadn’t happened since. A while after we broke up, I found out from the friend that they had on multiple occasions done more. My ex had supposedly not wanted to hurt me by telling me this. Surely if she didn’t want to hurt me, it would’ve been better just not to have done it at all? So the thing that I hated was that she never told me herself, which would’ve been easier on me, instead I found out through someone else.

Similarly, I found out another lie told to me just yesterday. A while ago, as those who have read my previous post will know, I confessed my love for my best friend, but had jealous feelings towards one of our other friends. I asked her specifically about him. I made it clear that I always got the feeling that them two had something between them, but she assured me that it was all in my head and there was no reason for me to think that. I didn’t 100% believe it, but I didn’t think she’d lie to me. Now, four months later, I find out that at his party they’d gotten a little busy. Again, from someone else. I haven’t said anything to either of them. The reason is, I’m waiting for it to be brought up again. Every now and again, our friend would say “remember us at my party?” or “remember us with the rum?” or something similar. He always said it in a gloating tone and always around me. Now I know why. I’m waiting to see how often he keeps bringing it up before I say anything to either of them.

The Details I Didn’t Bore You With

Okay, this is a post of the details I said I wouldn’t bore you with. Oops. It all started… aaaages ago. About two years ago, my sister introduced me to a bunch of her friends at once, and the only one that stood out was this one really geeky girl who had a boyfriend. Fast forward a year, and she was actually friends with me, but had moved on from aforementioned boyfriend and found another. I got insanely jealous. I’d had a crush on her for months, and so despite the fact that her boyfriend and I actually had some of the same and very important interests, I hated him. Naturally. Partly I felt he didn’t deserve her, partly I felt he wouldn’t treat her right, and partly I thought he’d end up hurting her. Fast forward six months, and that’s exactly what happened. He also continued to abuse her after their relationship ended. But then there was the time while we were both single and obliviously liked each other, but both too scared to do anything. I really liked her, and I’ve since learned that she really liked me, and was getting jealous of one of my best friends who I talked to a lot and am quite playful with. Anyway, the girl I liked and I were pretty flirty at least by my standards. As it got closer to Christmas, I decided that it had been long enough since her ex, and yet it was getting to the point where it could be dangerous to leave it. Also, one of our friends who was on a break with his girlfriend told me straight “if you don’t I will” which as you can imagine, motivated me to tell her how I felt about her. By this point, I spent about three weeks in college trying to get a right moment as well as the balls to do it, but it didn’t happen. Then, when we all went round hers for a kind of Christmas/end of term gathering, I wrote it in her card, so she would know without anyone else having to see, and also giving her time to reflect. She told me she really liked me too but needed time to think. I was pretty suspicious, but it has been confirmed by other people that she did actually like me and wasn’t trying to be nice. Anyway, just over a week later she basically said that she didn’t feel ready for a relationship. I was pretty okay with that. But then when we got back to college it was really awkward. I was okay with being friends, but after being so close to more, I wasn’t exactly satisfied. I wasn’t the best person to be around, and she felt awkward already. Then she felt guilty, then I did. Then finally I resolved to use every memory of it as a positive one rather than negative, and it got better. I still love her, and if there was something I knew I could do to be with her, I’d do it without thinking. I don’t know how she feels about me. But the one thing that annoyed me was that when she said she was jealous, I started decreasing the contact with my best friend, hoping that if nothing else, she’d feel a little more secure. When I pointed out that I was jealous of our friend who had a crush on her, as well as a girlfriend, it seemed like all that came of it was a closer friendship between them and basically me being replaced by him. All the stuff she used to joke about with me is no him. They’re constantly touching each other up despite the fact that he has a girlfriend(at a different college). But there is one thing that scared me. I had a recurring nightmare for nearly a month. It wasn’t the exact same but the general gist was;

She was getting married to some random faceless stranger. I was invited to the wedding. I felt like if I didn’t go I’d be a bad friend and be letting her down, but if I did then it’d destroy me. There were various versions of this dream, in which I generally either went mad, started to avoid everyone I care about, or committed suicide. I’d like to say that I don’t plan on ever doing any of that, but it made me think, when I fall in love, I do it to the extreme. I still love my ex, that’s why I hate her so much; she caused me pain and she was only able to do that because I loved her. Same now. I love this girl, and I know I will for years to come. What scares me is that I won’t learn how to get rid of, control, or defeat it. What really scares me is that I’ll never be with her, or learn how to be okay with that. I’m scared that for the rest of my life, I’m going to cling to the hope that she loves me too, while knowing that it’s practically impossible. By this point, if someone gave me a wish, I’d try and make a two-edged sword wish. I got asked what I want most the other day. I said something along the lines of “Depends. If I can’t have what I want most, then I want to stop wanting it” If that makes sense. I love her, and if I could be with her I would without a doubt. But if I can’t be with her, then I want to stop loving her. Because how am I going to feel when she inevitable has a relationship with someone else? How am I going to cope with that if I haven’t moved on or learned to be okay with it? It’s weird to think I love her more than I loved my ex. I haven’t so much as held her in a romantic way, and yet I love her more than I can remember loving my ex who I was actually in a relationship with.

My Fandoms #1

So something I get asked a lot is what fandoms I belong to. I really don’t belong to any properly, because I’m too lazy to follow anything. But I’ll just go over some of my favourite things and explain why I love them so much:

Anything Middle-Earth related:

Right, so my all time favourite author is without a doubt J.R.R. Tolkien. I first read The Hobbit when I was ten, and completely fell in love with it. I guess the reason I love the Hobbit is that it manages to combine ease to read with sufficient description and clarity. So it’s something I can sit down and read in one sitting, yet actually enjoy immensely and actually remember afterwards. The Lord of the Rings was a huge step up from this, and I first read it when I was thirteen, and it took me about three months to read. I can now do it much quicker, but it’s still not an easy task. The reason I love the Lord of the Rings is because it is a book which actually requires some level of intelligence to understand and follow. The themes and issues aren’t particularly complex, but if you aren’t attentive while reading it, you’re going to miss some pretty big bits of information. While in many ways I prefer the story and the characters of the Lord of the Rings to the Hobbit, the Hobbit is something I have certainly read many more times. And then there’s the Silmarillion. That took me forever, and I was about fifteen when I first read it. Due to it’s incomplete and very much note-like nature, it can be quite difficult to read. The stories themselves aren’t deep and complex, because they can’t take up hundreds of pages or else the thing would be thousands of pages long. But it has a very Biblical feel to it, and sometimes it can very much be like “This happened, which made this person feel like this. So they did this, but that made this person feel like this” That’s not a particularly accurate representation, but it is what it can feel like sometimes. I’m not complaining, I love the stories in the Silmarillion, it just takes a lot of attention to read. Briefly, the Lost Tales. These Books were really good for seeing the way Tolkien had arranged his works previously, and the background with Elfwine is very reminiscent (at least to me) of Ancient Epics, in which someone would begin with something to the effect of “Tell me Muse/Bard/Poet, the story of…” It’s very much done in a retrospective way, and I actually really enjoyed it. While the stories can sometimes have the same fault as the Silmarillion, I can’t honestly say I didn’t enjoy every minute I spent reading them books. Finally, my favourite one. My favourite Tolkien Middle-Earth related book is easily the Children of Hurin. Why? Because Turin. End. No, I loved this book so much; it managed to combine everything that was good about the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings, while also giving a story that hadn’t really been expanded on in other books. The entire thing is descriptive but not tedious, and I loved (at least the development of) all the characters. Even the antagonists have to be admired for their guile and cunning. The only real complaint I could ever put on this book is that I was looking through the contents page, and the last couple of chapters and illustrations (at least in my copy) were major spoilers. So for two characters throughout the entire book I was just thinking “You’re gonna die”. Granted I probably should have left the contents pages alone, but can you blame me? Wait, yes? Oh. Okay, this was originally meant to be a post about all my fandoms, but I’ve just gone on about how much I love Tolkien. I didn’t even make it to the movies. Ugh. I guess I’ll do it now I’ve mentioned them;I may as well.

The Lord of the Rings Movies:

What did I like? The actors. There was not a single actor or actress in these films who I can honestly say I think was miscast. Looking at some of the original plans they had for the cast, it’s hard to imagine anyone else playing Aragorn, or Gandalf, and certainly anyone doing a better job. The only problem I had with any of them was that some had some really inconsistent accents. Granted not everyone can do a decent English accent, plus they’d been doing it for years, but it was funny how Viggo Mortensen’s accent was best in the Two Towers, whereas in the Fellowship of the Ring, it sometimes seemed he was still getting used to it, and Return of the King he was getting fed up of it. But I really have no time for people who complain about the actors in these films.

Effects: The effects were perfect for these films, in my opinion. They didn’t go overboard, creating every set from inside a studio, but they also knew where special effects would help and enhance the film.

Visual Representations: This was exactly how I pictured Middle Earth from the books. In my opinion, they could not have captured the visual feel of it any better.

What Didn’t I like? The one character I have a mixed view on is Faramir. While he was my favourite character from the books, and I still love him in the films, he was definitely changed. The reason for this is supposedly to show the power of the ring, and that not even the noblest man can resist it. But the whole point of Faramir was to be someone who could resist it; a mirror to his brother and father. Also, he was the character that Tolkien often identified with himself, so I think it’s a bit… can’t think of the word, but not quite disrespectful but similar.

The only real thing I didn’t like was the omission of certain plot elements and characters, but after all, they’re films and they can’t fit all 1008 pages in. The three characters I’d have liked to see were Tom Bombadil, Glorfindel and Beregond. As Christopher Lee said in an interview, the reason for these omissions was because in the grand scheme of the narrative, they don’t have any real significance. Yes Tom saves the hobbits, but he plays no real part in the destruction of the ring or the war. Yes, Glorfindel saves them from the wraiths, but past that we never see him. Yes, Beregond idolises Faramir and tells us things which make us like him even more, but that doesn’t drive the story along. So in terms of films, I don’t really have many complaints if any in fact. They did what they needed to, yes some bits were adapted and omitted, but as a film maker, you have to cut things and it’s better to annoy fans because you left out something small and ultimately insignificant than annoying everyone because you’ve left out a massive part of the plot.

As for the Hobbit films. Eh. I didn’t mind the first one, it was longer than it needed to, and it added some stuff. But the things it did add were there for a reason; they gave you background information which linked to LOTR. But generally speaking, it was true to the book and that’s something that is hugely important to me. As for the second film, I heard on a review that it was “not one for the purists”. Which is me. But I still went to see it. Of the seven of us that went, two of us had read the book, and we were the only ones who didn’t like it. I say didn’t like it. We sat through the entire thing cringing at either made up romances, characters who shouldn’t be there or stupid plans involving impossible chemistry of gold. I really didn’t like that film. My friend and I often wonder how much we’d have liked it had we never read the book, but honestly, I think there was too much action and too little anything else for me to have liked it much anyway. Also, I think that Stephen Fry was miscast as Master. I don’t think he did a bad job, but I think that the actor whoplayed Alfred (I think) could have made a better Master. Also Luke Evans confuses me. He makes me think Orlando Bloom got freaky with Peter Andre. And I’ll leave you with that.

How Long Does Love Take?

This is something I’ve been asked many a time, and I honestly don’t think there’s a definitive answer to it. It takes as long as it takes. Granted, if someone is coming and saying that they’ve fallen in love a ridiculous amount of times, then the chances are they have no idea what it is, but even those who have experienced it can be tricked.

Take me for example, I’ve only ever had one girlfriend, and I seriously loved her. That ended over two years ago and in that time I thought I’d fallen in love with about five different girls until about six months ago, when a crush I had on a friend got worse and worse until there was no denying that I loved her. That didn’t go so well but I won’t bore you with the details. Anyway, I think love at first sight is overplaying it a bit. I mean, someone could be perfect for you but is it really possible to know that from one glance? I met a girl last weekend at a University visit day who most people wouldn’t look twice at, but when I spoke to her, we got on really well and had loads in common, so naturally, by the time she left, I was screwed. I don’t know her surname, email or phone number because she got rushed off on a tour while I had an interview, but she’s still on my mind a lot. It reminds me of my ex, we had one conversation and by the end of it I had no doubt that I loved her. Personally, I think one conversation even is too short a time to know, but it gives you an idea. I believe that one conversation is too short a time to know whether you love someone or not, but it certainly provides some kind of guide as to how you feel about them. But what do you think? Let me know in the comments section, I’d like to hear other people’s opinions 🙂

I’m here

So I’ve finally decided to get a blog, but I’m not really sure what I’ll be doing with it. I suppose mostly just general thoughts, maybe some book, film and game reviews from time to time but I really don’t know. So, welcome to my blog where I hope to be posting at least once a week! 😀